After reading the latest round of threads concerning the Model House site, Tampa is reminded of Troy, an Arkansas-born and bred hillbilly drinking-buddy from the late 60’s who owned a Pontiac 2+2 (anyone else besides Watcher and Mr, Bill remember what a big-@ss boat these things were?). Today a car like that would be called a "pimp mobile". Back then we referred to Troy's 2+2 as “the P--ssy wagon“.
One day Troy popped the deck lid to throw something or other into the massive trunk. He took care to situate things so as to not screw-up a large black metal box that appeared to be attached to the floor of the trunk There were no visible labels on the box, which was probably 24” wide, 24” deep, and 12” or so high.
After looking at it intently and still having no idea as to it’s contents, Tampa finally asked. “What the hell is that big black box all about, hillbilly?”
To which, Troy replied, “Don’t worry about whats in the box, m--ther f--cker, just get it the car and let’s go. The women are waitin for us.”
Note: The hillbilly called almost everyone he knew “m--ther f--cker”, so it wasn’t a big deal with Tampa, who often referred to the hillbilly as a “stupid sumb--tch” or "duma$$".
The stupid sumb--tch wheeled the 2+2 out of the driveway and onto the street. Tampa persisted, “Seriously, hillbilly, what the hell’s in that box? What’s it for?”
“It’s for me to know and you to find out. That's what it's for.”
“Okay, a$$hole.”
(5 minutes later)
“Hillbilly -- what the hell’s …”
“It’s a stabilization system dammit.”
“A stabilization system?”
“That’s what I said, didn't I?”
“Yeah … but what does it do?”
“It keeps the car on the road, dumba$$ … a 2+2 hasn’t got that much weight in the back, the rear wheels can break loose any time. Next thing you know, you‘re in a ditch.”
“So what’s inside the box? Rocks?”
“Gyroscopes.”
“Gyroscopes?”
“Isn’t that what I just got done sayin, m--ther f--cker? Gyroscopes are what they use on planes … keep’s them flyin straight.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen plenty of gyroscopes before, but how do the ones in your trunk keep running? There wasn’t any wiring going into the box.”
(Troy leans on the horn and flips off 2 hippies in a VW van)
“F--ckin hippies. None of ‘em know how to drive.”
“Yeah, they probably don’t have any gyroscopes. How in the hell can the gyroscopes in that box keep running?
“Keep running?”
“Yeah, a gryoscope has to spin.”
“I don’t know m--ther f--cker. All I know is it works.”
“Have you ever opened up the box?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Voids the warranty.”
“So you never saw what’s inside the box?”
“Nope, and it don’t make any difference if I did or didn’t. Long as the P--ssy wagon stays on the road, everything’s fine.”
“Who sold it to you?”
“What makes the difference?”
“Where did you get it, dumba$$?
“Ray’s buddy is the distributor here in Elkhart.”
“Who’s Ray?”
“The bartender who used to work at the Stardust.”
“How much did you pay?”
“You don’t need to know how much I paid, m--ther f--cker.”
“Maybe I want to buy one, hillbilly.”
“You’d never buy one. You don’t have that much sense. You’ll end up in ditch someday.”
“How much?”
“Three hundred fifty … but he threw in the tax and installation.”
“And it just sits there in the trunk, right? And you paid $350.00 for that?”
“That’s right … and it’s worth every dime.”
“How do you figure?”
“We ain’t never slid into a ditch, have we?”
“You do have a point.”
* * * *
