For some one to be one thing for ten years have an ex-flame show up, get fit in perfectly, and then go for an insurance scam murder in less than a page is not that exciting. Your narrator / central character also is weak. He accepts his banishment with out ever having his fetish indulged – with no pleasure? What’s going on inside his head. And what’s with these kids in the “Rosemary’s Baby” trance? This is far from a perfect crime plotted by two “heartless bitches”.

You probably wrote this up and posted rather quickly just to see if anyone is into the themes. If so, you’re right dark side smoking female archetypes have a long history in noir. I wrote this to encourage you to keep writing. Go for some short stories, you have a waiting audience.